Spiritual Bipolar and The Exile of The Nefesh

The third and final step in the rectification of the world is called the exile of the Nefesh;  the mental-emotional world. And this spiritual state refers to the state of mind that we are in a constant confusion of who we are and our spiritual reality. And also referred to as Spiritual Bipolar Disorder in Physical terms.

The following story can explain some aspects of what we go through in this exile. and most of us can relate to this on some levels.

‘Today, early in the morning I woke up ready for a day of holiness and connection with Hashem. Wanting very much to find my purpose and get in touch with my soul. I had all the best intentions and felt the strength to accomplish this as well.

With G-d’s help, I was able to get up out of bed, run to the Mikveh and pray in a minyan – the morning prayers.

Little did I know how my day would quickly evolve into what we call Spiritual Bipolar.

It was during shmoneh esreh where little thoughts of lust started to creep inside of my mind. Moving my head back and forth as I am wrapped around in a tallit, trying to shake off those thoughts, I just couldn’t. Every minute that passed every word of prayer that I said made them stronger.

It was as if the devil will not give up today. I felt as I knew what was going to happen to me of my day once again.

But I was far from giving up and knew I will never! I have Rebbe Nachman yelling in the left side of my brain to never despair and that Hashem has endless mercy and can instantly change this around, in a blink of an eye.

But at this point, the evil inclination was too strong, overpowering every defense I can possibly think of. It would knock me down and make my blood rush through my body, a rush of lust. My heart was racing and my mind was spinning out of control.

My head started to go on ‘autopilot’ and I was at a total loss of control.

Now only the mercy of G-d was going to save me from falling down into the dark places of sin and fulfilling my lusts and desires.

So, there I was. I found myself running around like a zombie with no mind of its own looking for a place to fulfill my desires.

The most amazing part of this, is that for every desire and lust I wanted to go do, there was an opposing side on the right side of the brain which is called the voice of the ‘tzadik’ and the tzadik kept telling me; look up to your creator, don’t be ashamed to speak out to Hashem even with all these dirty thoughts running around in your mind!

Don’t believe the yetzer hara that’s telling you that you’re a gonner, it’s over, don’t bother. How can you speak to Hashem with such a filthy mind!? These are very familiar words of the yetzer hara. And I was not about to listen to him.

So, I listened to the tzadik inside of me!

This didn’t mean that I stopped and turned back around. I wasn’t going to stop until I fulfilled my desires. But, the one thing I knew and believed is that the tzadik is with me and through His merit, there can be a miracle to save me from sin.

And so, through the rush and the fire of lust that was burning inside of me, there was also another fire burning, the fire of the Tzadik, the fire that connects me to Hashem even from the lowest of places.

As I parked my car to the place I was about to enter I started feeling tremendous confusion and I didn’t know that this confusion will be my way out. The fire of lust began to cool down slightly and my mind started to come back to me, just a bit.

I was still locked into what I was about to do. And so, I walked into the place and when I entered, there it was, a spark sent to me from the creator I spoke to and asked to save me.

He remembered me! He didn’t forget!

I just needed to be patient and believe that at some point during this entire expedition of insanity, I will be redeemed and that Hashem will come through. That he’s got my back, always! He pulled me out.

Suddenly, instead of being attracted to those lusts, I was utterly disgusted. It’s as if I woke up from a dream that has been going on for a few hours. I was awake and now I can see where I am standing. So, what did Yosef Ha-tzaddik do? He ran, ran for his life!

And here it was, back to the beginning point. The initial personality of the day. Happy to be a Jew. Happy to close to the tzaddik that promised He will always be there.

I reinvented myself and within a few minutes I was flying back in my car listening to music and singing thanks to Hashem the almighty my creator!

This is Spiritual Bipolar Disorder. And what do we do when we find ourselves in these situations?

Never listen to the yetzer hara. We can always call out to Hashem from the darkest and dirtiest places. Hashem is right there with us. And as the tzaddikim teach us, Hashem is closest when we are in the dark and when we have fallen.

Hashem, our father comes out to look for us. To look for His lost son and daughter. To bring them back in an instant.

Don’t believe anyone who tells you that Hashem has turned His back. Hashem is always there and always waiting for you to simply call out! He’s got our back!

May we all merit!

 

This story was recently told over by an anonymous Jew. Baruch Hashem he is growing closer in Teshuvah and prayer every day. And will never give up!

Click the link to read Part 1 Link: https://ofererez.com/spiritual-bipolar-disorder/

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